Some milestones…

This sunday it will be six months since I started with the hormone replacement therapy.

Today I’ve been full time for two weeks, with no problems at all.

These last days I’ve received a lot of compliments. People say it feels right for me to be a woman, that I look better. My boss has complimented me about how I handled the process in the office. A lot of people said to me that I’m pretty, and brave. And everything has happened in an atmosphere of complete normality.

I’m having the longest period of happiness I have ever had in my life. For the first time of my life I feel I belong. And I am a little scared, because I don’t want it all to go away. I don’t want to wake up.

Looking back it seems so far away when I was that sad boy who felt he was weird…

I’m getting results 🙂

Stop whining…

I’ve been looking back to my past for some days, and I’ve been feeling quite down.

I guess it is because I’ve been looking from a wrong perspective.

When I look back I can’t help but see that I was sad. It brings me down. So I don’t want to examine anymore the things I lived when I was a teenager, or when I went to the university. I already lived that. I know who I was. Reliving it, going all over again doesn’t add anything more to me.

Plus, it could have been much worse.

Sometimes I feel like I have missed my adolescence. That first love TV make us believe it is so perfect. Meeting a girl, falling in love, and learning that she feels the same for me.

Bullshit.

I imagine how it would have been if I were a cis woman. Well, probably I’d been isolated. It’s not that I am trans, I am also gay, and I didn’t feel I had a safe circle to go open. I might have been in the closet for a long time.

And I might have fallen in love with some girl, but the chances are that she would probably be straight, or worse, just wanting to experience something and then move on.

And look where I am now. I’m a transexual woman, I’ve fully accepted myself. I’m probably bisexual, lesbian for sure, and fucking happy with it. I can admit that there are some men that make me tender, and who might turn me on. I’ve learned that we like people, not genders, because genders don’t fucking exist. And I’m fucking okay with that. In fact, I love it.

I’m having a really easy transition. Yeah, I know this sounds difficult to understand, but it is true. Even though I’ve started a bit old, I’m good looking, since I was a bit androgynous to start with. I have no problem finding clothes because I’m not that wide. But I’m tall enough to look hot. And this is being fucking lucky. This is rolling a fucking die, and getting a six.

Sure, I’ve waited a long time, but I’ve also evaluated my environment. I’ve waited until I felt safe with my friends, with my colleagues. But then, I’ve got almost no negative responses. And, yeah, that is being fucking lucky.

I’m learning a lot, but then again, I’m fucking lucky to have the best friends, the best sisters who have talked a lot with me, and made me thought. I feel loved, and I feel invincible when I feel so much love. I’m so fucking lucky…

So, let’s stop whining.

Yes, most of my life has pretty much sucked. Just like many other peoples’ lives. Not worse, nor better. When it sucks, it sucks. I won’t ever be able to understand the pain others have felt, but I’m lucky that I’ve suffered my own share of it; and I’m lucky to have realised that it was not all my fault. When I couldn’t focus in my work these past years, I felt it was my fault, because I could have worked harder. When I had to suffer a lot to get my degree, I thought it was my fault, because I could have studied more.

We stupid humans have a tendency to think that the good things we have are exclusively because of our merits, and so we think that people who have problems is because of their mistakes. Virtue and sin both have their rewards, and if we’re unhappy, it’s only ourselves to blame.

I can’t deny that sometimes it is true, that sometimes we manage to screw up our lives really bad. But most of the time it is a fucking lottery, from the moment we are born. And when things go wrong, because we are born in a closet, or because our parents tell us we’re stupid for no reason, it’s really hard to look up, because we’re deep in our own dung. And people will tell us that we’re not happy because we’re not trying hard enough, that we’re unhappy because of our own faults.

But life is a lottery. We get some good things, and we get some bad things. I got good parents. I got some good qualities (let’s say, some good stats!). And I got a big difficulty to overcome. Just one. And I’m coping with it. I’ve make a nice lot of mistakes. And I tried very hard not to harm anybody. And sometimes, when I wasn’t as good as I felt I could be, it was not completely my fault.

All in all, I see now that have no regrets about my life.

So I’m going to stop whining, because I’m so fucking lucky…

Strength…

Please don’t take me wrong. I don’t like victimism. And I don’t like being the victim.

I don’t think the world has anything against me. Nor do I think that my life has been that hard. I realise that lots of people everyday are going through harder times than I ever will.

But sometimes hard is hard. And when you feel fear, it doesn’t help you concentrate on your work, or remember things.

It is hard to remain focused when you have this fear of being left alone, this fear of losing all you’ve got. It is hard to be creative when you have this fear of being rejected by your loved ones, when you’re scared of losing your job because you know you’re not performing well, and even though you try to do it better, you just can’t, because you just want to cry. When you’re doing your best, and this is not enough.

I know that my colleagues have had to bear a lot with me because of that, and I feel my good share of guilt because of this. I feel I am in a great debt with them. And I know it’s been a lot of time, because these things take time.

I know that sometimes we are the ones who make our prophecies true. And not being able of doing your work because you’re afraid of not being able to do your work is a perfect example of this.

I don’t expect to be understood.

But now I’m strong again. I have conquered my fears. Now I’m focused, and relaxed. And I don’t plan on doing great things. I will just do things, and some will be great. My best achievements are yet to come. I feel capable of doing things again, and I just want to work hard every day, as I’ve always done.

So, please. If you’re going to tell me that my performance was poor, if you’re just going to tell me how bad I was last year, and how much did I screw up that project, just do me a favour. I already happen to know that. So please, please, please… just shut the fuck up and let me do my work.