This is about me…

Warning: This is a rant. It is not going to be a pleasant post. It’s not going to be about how well it’s going my transition, and how happy I am. So if you don’t feel like reading my complaints, please don’t read on.

Transition sucks. Especially at this point. And I’m not happy.

Yes, I know I’m making lots of progress. I’m really close to be able to change my documents, and I’m really close to have my SRS. But I’m not happy, and I’m not hopeful.

I’m sad.

And I’m sad because I feel my body has stopped changing. My breasts grew a bit, but they don’t hurt now, they don’t feel swollen anymore. My ass is certainly a bit rounder, but my hips won’t grow, they won’t become wider. And my hair seems to be stuck. Some new hair grew, but not enough to cover my temples.

I’m not saying I am horrible. I look good. I look much better that I did at the beginning, or even before. I feel better with my body than I’ve ever felt before. What I’m saying is, when I get home and I remove all the padding I wear, in the bra and rear, I look at myself in the mirror and what I see is a man’s body.

I see a man because I don’t have hips. I see a man because I see broad shoulders. I see a man because my breasts could be taken for pectoral muscles. I see a man because I see a penis.

I’m afraid. I started my transition at this point because this was the only moment in my life I could dare to do it. I had the right environment, I had savings, I had a job in which I could dare to do it. I was, at last, living on my own. And I could take this decision.

Also I started because it felt right. I didn’t have the chance not to grow as a man. I didn’t have the chance to stop my puberty. And what I saw around, the transexual women I saw, in the media, were not role models for me. I didn’t want to become like them. I just wanted to be a woman. Because of this, because of my own fears, because of my self-rejection as a lesbian transexual woman, I didn’t step up then.

When I started this, it was my last chance to do it. It was my last chance to try to be something close to happy in my life.

And now I see that my body is a man’s body, still. I still will be patient, and let hormones do their work. But my hopes aren’t no longer high. I know that I’m going to have lots of surgery to have a body in which I can feel comfortable. I will have to put implants in my tits and in my buttocks. I’m already scheduled for my SRS. Hormones only work fine during puberty, and mine is a long time past.

It’s okay, I will save more money, and I will look for the best surgeons I can afford. I’m not defeated. I’ll have a body I’m comfortable in. A body that looks as it is, without paddings or tricks. I don’t care about the money, and I don’t care about the pain.

I know my transition is the path I should walk. I don’t regret anything. But right now my transition leads to a barren tree which can yield no fruit. I feel hopeless. And I feel alone, because I can’t talk about this to anybody without having to listen to lots of comments about how I should learn to accept myself, about beauty models, and about women having different bodies, and all that things.

I feel tired, and I feel alone. I feel tired because transition is not easy. It’s a lot of effort. And yes, it has paid so far, but I’d love it to be over, so I can just rest, and enjoy. And I feel alone because I can’t speak about it without the comments of my not trying hard enough to accept myself. I’m trying. But it’s so hard when the only thing you really long for in this life is being someone I can like.

Yes, the only thing I really wish for is being a woman, who looks like a woman, who feels like a woman.

And I still have a man’s body. And I feel I’m stuck in my male body, and that the only chance to change it is long gone. And I’m trying to accept myself, and people ask me why am I not happy yet. And they tell me that I ask for too much and that I should accept what I got. Well, if I could do that in the first place, I wouldn’t have started transitioning.

I just want to have this body all the time, not just when I put on all the padding to go out. Because here inside, at home, when I’m alone, I’m still stuck with my male body.

Some milestones…

This sunday it will be six months since I started with the hormone replacement therapy.

Today I’ve been full time for two weeks, with no problems at all.

These last days I’ve received a lot of compliments. People say it feels right for me to be a woman, that I look better. My boss has complimented me about how I handled the process in the office. A lot of people said to me that I’m pretty, and brave. And everything has happened in an atmosphere of complete normality.

I’m having the longest period of happiness I have ever had in my life. For the first time of my life I feel I belong. And I am a little scared, because I don’t want it all to go away. I don’t want to wake up.

Looking back it seems so far away when I was that sad boy who felt he was weird…

I’m getting results 🙂

Getting used to it…

These last weeks I’ve been out a lot.

A couple of months ago I read someone asking on Twitter how it felt to be in the first year of transition, and someone replied that it was like being a spy in nazi Germany.

It’s kind of true.

When you go out, especially when you’ve only been on hormones for a short time (or when you haven’t started yet), you feel like you don’t pass, like other people can spot you. Still, you go out, but you don’t want to be too adventurous, and you prefer going with friends, just in case.

Then, one day you notice that you pass. You notice that people don’t stare at you in an uncomfortable way. And you start feeling more comfortable being out. Things that you wouldn’t have done before, like going in a lift, become possible. You enter the underground with more confidence.

I’m currently in this phase. I now have almost no problem going out, because I feel safer than before. I still have got a bit of that I am a spy sensation, but it is quite less intense.

And when this happens, you begin to forget about being a transexual person, and just start being.

And it’s awesome.

Body…

Today I don’t feel quite positive.

I’ve been on hormones now for four months, and my body is beginning to change. My waist is a bit more slender, my hair is growing stronger than ever, and my face is now very feminine. My breasts are beginning to develop, but they’re not quite big, and my hips are quite the same as they were before starting the treatment.

Some people tell me that there is nothing to worry about, that lots of women have tiny breasts, and narrow hips. But that thought doesn’t help me at all.

Even though I love my face right now, my body is still very masculine. Not as masculine as it was, that’s right, but still too much.

Hormones take a long time to do their full effect. They can take as long as ten years. That is something common for genetic women, who start developing around ten years old, and by when they’re twenty they have a feminine body.

I’m thirty-five now, and I’m in the same stage as a ten year old girl. The changes might be finished when I’m forty-five. And I’m old, and I’ve had testosterone in my body for a long time, so I fear the effect is diminished.

I know I must be patient. But this is how I feel today.

And with all these worries, I still don’t regret a bit of being doing this.

Advice to my old self…

So, you’re going to transition. It’s okay, you’ll be fine.

I’ve got some advice for you. Listen, because all will go better this way.

First of all, remember to take your time. The hardest part of transitioning is to raise suspicion on people. The change must be smooth. So, take your time.

Take your time, and start removing your beard with laser. Start shaping your eyebrows, but not in one day. Slow. In no time you’ll have no beard, and your eyebrows will be feminine enough to start going around as a woman, and nobody will notice you.

Keep calm.

Soon the hormones will start showing their effects, and you’ll have all the looks of a woman. Your skin will be soft and your hair will recover, at least a bit.

So keep calm, because these changes come slowly. But someday, you’ll look at the mirror and see a woman there looking back at you.

Perceived…

So, today I went to the hospital for a blood extraction. They have to check my blood from time to time, to see if everything is okay with the hormones, so today I dressed up and I went to the hospital.

It’s funny, because I was there in the waiting room, a lot of old people there, and I had to ask who was the last. So I was there, in the middle of a room full of people, and I had to talk aloud. So I did. And after that people went on referring to me as “this girl here”. Or even as “darling”.

So I thought, hmm, good. I’m going unnoticed.

They took the blood sample, and I returned home. And then this happened.

I was opening my door, as the neighbour passed by. She stood a moment and looked a bit puzzled about me. So I thought, “busted!” and told her. We talked a bit in the hallway of my appartment, and they’re okay with us, and fully support us, so whew!, one less thing to worry about.

But now the greatest part…

She told me that she had thought I wasn’t me in women’s clothes. She had thought I was my sister, and that I looked quite a lot like me.

This is so awesome, so amazing, so entirely and utterly great… So now it’s not that I look like a man, or a boy, trying to pass as a girl anymore. I am perceived as a girl, and for the people who knew me, as a girl who resembles my old self.

Plus, people refer to me as a *young* girl, maybe in my twenties. I’m thirty-five, and the usual guess is about 25, sometimes younger.

I’m still shocked. And happy. And giving little jumps.

I’m just looking forward so much to finish some final things I have to do before I go 24/7…