Time with myself…

These days I’ve been really busy. Overworked. I had lots of appointments, duties, chores and tasks to perform.

These days, also, I’ve felt like noisy inside my head. I’ve felt disconnected from myself.

It feels like an eternity since I was able to just stay at home, alone, and be with myself. In the past months and years, however, it didn’t do good to me, because I stayed at home munching and twisting thoughts that my head created, telling me that I was inadequate, ugly, disgusting. I stayed at home and yet I felt repressed, because the things I wanted to do, the clothes I wanted to wear, the movies I wanted to see, and the books I wanted to read were not those a normal heterosexual boy would choose.

And it hurt being alone, because I expected to receive validation of my own worth from others. And these other people, instead, were living their own lives, maybe enjoying themselves doing exciting things with exciting people, maybe just having a boring evening watching TV.

I’m beginning to feel different. It’s like, at last, I can be fine with myself. It’s like I don’t need anyone else around, but me. I can enjoy myself, because I’m beginning to feel my own worth. For me it was a breakthrough discovering that my self-esteem depended only on myself, not on others. But that’s a thought, and it has to get rooted in order to work. Now, however, I’m beginning to feel it.

I’m beginning to feel that it is not wrong to be myself. It is not wrong to feel the way I do. It is not wrong to like the things I like. And that is my own whole universe, where I am queen. That’s where I am, where I’ve ever been, taking care of myself, trying to choose at all times what seemed best for me. I, in my own universe, am the worthiest person I’m ever going to meet. And I’m going to be here, for myself, always.

That is a lot. And instead of looking around, trying to find happiness in other people’s love, as I always did, I can now rely on my own love.

Still, I need time. I need time with myself, alone. I need time to do things with myself, to learn new things, to explore. I need time so that I can know myself, and enjoy myself, and love myself.

These last days I felt disconnected from myself, because I had such a little time to spare. But now, as I type, I’ve found here, on my own, and I’ve felt again that warm sensation of being with myself.

I hope this feeling gets deeply rooted in my heart, and never, never, goes away again.

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Tired…

Today I feel a bit tired.

These past week I’ve been trying to keep breaking my bad habits. And I’ve got it right, mostly.

But then it comes a day like today. I’m tired, I feel incapable of reaching my goals. I doubt.

I keep saying to myself that my future life is going to be great. I force me to believe that I will eventually grow a sense of accomplishment, of fulfilment of my own desires. And this is likely to happen, because I will act only to advance in this direction. I do not represent an obstacle anymore.

I’m just tired. It’s quite a big effort trying to keep focused and realistic, trying not to fear that the future is going to be as ‘not what I want in my life’ as the past has been.

Things help, however. Yesterday I read this post. I have thought myself that idea, but it helps when you see someone else thinks the same. It helps when you can see you’re thinking right. I know that, even if some things I rely upon, if some people I like to be with, are not going to be in my future, well, it’s no big deal. Even if my future is not exactly as I imagine it, it doesn’t mean it has to be bad.

But today it is difficult for me to be optimistic.

I guess I need some rest…

Habits…

It’s strange this thing I’m feeling right now.

It feels a bit like peace.

I’m still feeling some anxiety, some nervousness, some uneasyness. But I’m feeling peace.

And I’m tired. I’m now constantly watching my own thoughts, trying to stop myself and think slowly whenever I start going down, or when I know I’m about to say or do something that is wrong.

But whenever I do this, it brings me peace.

Today I feel like it has been easier than yesterday. Not much, just a bit.

I hope that soon I’ll be hearing the noise of my own bad habits starting to crack.

Breakthrough…

Not two weeks ago I identified something wrong in how I processed my emotions. The last entry is about that.

For the last month I had been writing my thoughts, my feelings, whenever I felt anxious, or insignificant, or wrong.

Today I’ve reviewed all of that. It has been amazing.

In the past month I’ve managed to identify most of the emotions that make me feel bad. I’ve been able to label them. I’ve learnt from them a lot. In the end I came to discover how my feeling bad in my own skin, my lack of self esteem, was the underlying cause of everything.

I’m learning to control it. My feelings still hurt sometimes, but I’m now beginning to be able to control them.

The most amazing part is how everything fits. How everything makes sense. How I can consistently fix myself. And how I’ve been able to learn this mostly from my own reflections. I’ve had help, and I’ve read things that have helped me. But sometimes I’ve got an idea on my own first, and then I’ve seen it outside. Or at least, sometimes I perceive it like that. Probably it was all so mixed up that I’m deceiving myself a little.

Still, I’ve got this feeling of having progressed this far by myself. And it feels good. Very, very good.

I can learn from my own mistakes, because I’m willing to do all of the introspection I need. I’m quite honest, and I try not to fool myself so that I have not to bear with thoughts I can’t stand. I guess that being an accepting transexual person has trained me in this aspect.

I feel good, because I feel I have a mind that is able to recover, to regain balance. I feel reassured, I feel mature, and I feel healthy. I feel in control.

I still have lots of work to do. I know I will fall again, and then I’ll have to get up. But this is a huge reward in just a month.

I’m going to be fine.

Genderfuck…

A couple of days ago I read some parts of a conversation in Twitter, about how media, companies, and so on, encourage traditional gender roles in kids.

The thing was about some menu boxes from a well known fast food company. They came with a theme of princesses, and with a theme of superheroes. The problem is that you have to choose the box for your kid, and if you don’t pick up the obvious choice, you’ll probably get a lot of stares, and your child will be probably embarrassed.

Some will argue that the problem is the kind of role models we’re offering our children. The clichés. Girls are princesses, and must be beautiful, and have expensive clothes, and be nice for their princes. Boys are heroes, and are meant to be strong, don’t cry and fight a lot, and finally save the princess.

Ok, those clichés do not provide really healthy values for our kids. Granted. But I don’t see the problem in those roles, as long as they are well explained as fantasy characters; as long as they’re not the only influence kids have.

I see the biggest problem in the choice, because I don’t see that playing with princesses or superheroes has necessarily to be associated with being a boy or being a girl. And it doesn’t have to determine the kind of person you are.

The problem is the structure.

See, I’ve been asking myself, what is gender?

When you’re born, you have genitals. And you’re labelled after them, as a man or a woman. Then you grow up, and start doing things. Start learning things. And big people tell you when you’re doing good or bad. So, you have a behaviour, which is both innate and learned. And this makes you as a person.

And you still have your label attached.

But the label is just a label. You’re just a person, an individual. So it is what you think, what you like, what you do and what you feel. This is unique.

Imagine all the individual personalities painted as dots in a graph. It happens that all of the individualities tend to group around two big points in the graph, and those dots would be kind of man and woman. But I guess that there is a huge dispersion around those two points. Can you picture it?

Now, the funny thing is that the dots are personalities. They have nothing to do with the bodies of the people in the graph. And probably the cloud of dots is denser around those two points of the standard man and standard woman, but it doesn’t mean that all the dots that are closer to the woman cloud have to be genetically female.

So, it turns out that there is nothing as a gender quality for anyone. Everybody is just a dot in the graph, and it happens to be somewhere near one of two fictitious points that are placed in the middle of two thicker clouds of dots.

But correlation doesn’t imply causality. The problem is that we think it does. (Humans…)

So we actually generalise. And create structures to categorise people. And thus, we leave a lot of people out, when we create this gender idea and force it on actual people.

The problem is not the role model. Those are just toys. You might like them or not. The problem is that you’re supposed to choose the right one.

I have played a lot of video games in my life (I guess I’ve played video games more than anything else). And I’ve played action video games (shooters, soccer games), as well as doll video games (I created lesbian communities when I played the Sims, which of course I had to keep secret from my family and friends). And a lot of games in the middle of those. Sometimes I feel one way, sometimes I feel the other. And I don’t think games, or education has shaped that much the person I am, because I’ve ended being that person. I must say that I’ve got a lot of discomfort, sadness and pain in the way, but that was because of the structure. That was because of what I was supposed to like. But my dot was not anywhere near it was supposed to be.

Labels only exist in our minds. What actually does exist are people. If we kept that in mind, if we could learn to know people, not to expect them, life would be so much easier for a lot of people who don’t quite fit into an approximation…

PS. I know. Gender doesn’t exist, so why can’t I accept myself? Why am I transexual? Well, I guess if there was no expected gender roles, the discomfort I’ve felt all my life would have been less. But there are, and there will be for a lot of time. Plus, I’m really uncomfortable with my body, with my genitals, and those actually do exist.