Normality, it is…

Today I thought I was going to write a post. I realise I’m spacing my posts more and more. I guess it has to do with my own personal development these days.

These days I’m feeling a lot less anxious. I still feel some anxiety, some uncertainty about my future, but it is much more manageable than it was before. I’ve been writing a lot in my personal diary, and somebody pointed me to Richard Wiseman’s 59 seconds. In my youth I was given a lot of self-help books, and some were not probably the most appropriate ones, so I grew reluctant to these. But I must say that this book has a scientific approach and is based in proper investigation. And it is also nice to find out that some of the advice the book offers were things I had begun to do instinctively to feel better and help myself solve my problems, or things that I’ve been already doing right for years.

I keep thinking, pushing myself into acting right. First I learnt the lesson that the world keeps going on, (and this is a very reassuring thought to have in mind at all times, I tell you), and now I’m assimilating, incorporating it into my own mind, as if it were some crucial pillar in my life. I’m allowed to make mistakes, and I’m not supposed to do everything right.

I still have lots of feelings I’d rather now not express. I feel it is better now like this. Maybe in the future I can talk openly about this, but right now I’m more or less comfortable keeping these feelings to myself, and trying to act according to them in the measure I’m allowed to. It’s no longer like I feel pressured because I just can’t express my feelings aloud, it is more like I choose not to do it, and I’m okay with it, because I feel it is best this way.

And yet, I’m speaking more than ever. And more important, I’m listening. I’ve come to learn that this one is a very important thing, and it is not that difficult. And it gives you a lot of knowledge about where you are, about what the people around think. It is important because it is what keeps you close to your loved ones.

And I still feel a lot of insecurities. Today is the day I complete two months full time. I feel okay, I’ve had no problems, I feel great. As I’ve said sometimes, it’s like living without that big stone on my back. I feel I look good, I feel comfortable with myself. It’s been eight months since I began taking hormones, and I’m still impatient because my tits are not yet big enough, and because I’ve got still a muscular torso and wide shoulders, and because my hips are not round. Probably they’ll never be, and I’ll have to accept that. But my tits keep hurting, and I feel them growing, and probably the rest of my body keeps doing the same, very slowly. So I’ve got to be patient.

I’m looking forward to having my surgery done. I’m a bit scared about that, but it’s okay. It’s a really important thing for me, because then I’ll see my body more complete, I’ll have one less reminder of having being born with a wrong body, and most important of all, I’ll feel more sexy, more excited about my own body.

Still, this is just a process, and it is a hard one to live through. It helps somehow thinking that it’s like I’m just 12 years old now, and that most of my body features have still to develop, with time. I’m still a bit scared about having waited too long before starting my transition, and being locked out of the chance of liking my own body.

So, all in all, everything goes fine. Everything is normal. I feel that I’m growing, that I’m becoming a better person. I’m not repressing myself any more, but I’m also trying not to push too much the people around. And I have lots of unfulfilled desires, and a lot of things I’d like to have in my life. But I’m working on it, and things can only become better.

So, I guess this is normality…

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Tired…

Today I feel a bit tired.

These past week I’ve been trying to keep breaking my bad habits. And I’ve got it right, mostly.

But then it comes a day like today. I’m tired, I feel incapable of reaching my goals. I doubt.

I keep saying to myself that my future life is going to be great. I force me to believe that I will eventually grow a sense of accomplishment, of fulfilment of my own desires. And this is likely to happen, because I will act only to advance in this direction. I do not represent an obstacle anymore.

I’m just tired. It’s quite a big effort trying to keep focused and realistic, trying not to fear that the future is going to be as ‘not what I want in my life’ as the past has been.

Things help, however. Yesterday I read this post. I have thought myself that idea, but it helps when you see someone else thinks the same. It helps when you can see you’re thinking right. I know that, even if some things I rely upon, if some people I like to be with, are not going to be in my future, well, it’s no big deal. Even if my future is not exactly as I imagine it, it doesn’t mean it has to be bad.

But today it is difficult for me to be optimistic.

I guess I need some rest…