Today has been the day. Today I went to work openly as a girl.
To my surprise, I was not nervous in the morning. Just excited. Expectant. But not nervous. I didn’t have the chills, my hands didn’t shake a bit. I had to think twice where the things were, because it is a new morning routine to do, but that’s it. I’ll get used to it soon.
I drove to the office. I’m getting better at driving, but still I need to get better. I didn’t have any problems getting to the office, though. I arrived, parked, and stayed in the car for some moments. I looked at myself, and gave me the heads up. Then, I opened the door and went into the office.
Some people were very kind. There were also some people I don’t usually talk to who looked at me with this what the hell? face, or who just didn’t look at me. That’s it, normality, no more, no less. Everybody treated me as they had always done.
In my department all the people were in the know, I expected no surprises and I had none. Everybody was kind, some people asked if they had to call me Marta now, and some people still addressed me like “hey, man, can you help me with this?”, but I didn’t care. I guess they’ll get used to addressing me as a girl.
I got my new badge. The picture doesn’t make me look good, but it’s okay. I know I look better than that. I’ve never looked good in ID cards’ pictures. Probably nobody does. But my badge now has my name written on it.
I felt happy all day long. In the morning I was like in a rush, excited about everything, and sitting down in front of the computer was so difficult. But then I became more relaxed, even too much. It felt like a heavy burden had been removed from me. I felt like going home with a big smile in my face, cuddling up in the sofa and having a nice and well deserved nap. Still I had a nice productive morning, it wasn’t difficult to think clearly about the work I had to do, and I didn’t have to make any efforts to be focused.
I talked more than usual with my colleagues. Some had questions, some were curious about some aspects. I got a lot of support today, indeed, not only by my coworkers, since I commented stuff from time to time with my girlfriend and some friends.
And I returned home. The drive was the worst part of the day, because I found no parking spaces and had to go in circles for some time, and I got a bit nervous and clumsy. I still have to get better at driving with my attention divided. But finally I could park, got home, and could finally relax.
And that’s it. Quite a pretty normal day for me. The first day of the rest of my life, because I guess I can say now that now I’m living full-time as myself. Some friends said that today is one day to celebrate and remember in the years to come. I like the idea.
For me the transition, (or at least its outer, public aspects) is something that’s moving on very smoothly. There was this day which I won’t forget, the day before I started taking hormones. We had this dinner in a restaurant. This day was for me like a secret celebration of the beginning of the process. Then it came the day when I was no longer noticed as something weird in the street, when I passed, and I began to feel safe outside.
Today it was just one step more. A big milestone, they say. But for me was smooth, seamless with the rest of my days. It’s all a part of a process, a little step in a big sequence of the smallest changes.
And a lot more steps are yet to come… 🙂