Some milestones…

This sunday it will be six months since I started with the hormone replacement therapy.

Today I’ve been full time for two weeks, with no problems at all.

These last days I’ve received a lot of compliments. People say it feels right for me to be a woman, that I look better. My boss has complimented me about how I handled the process in the office. A lot of people said to me that I’m pretty, and brave. And everything has happened in an atmosphere of complete normality.

I’m having the longest period of happiness I have ever had in my life. For the first time of my life I feel I belong. And I am a little scared, because I don’t want it all to go away. I don’t want to wake up.

Looking back it seems so far away when I was that sad boy who felt he was weird…

I’m getting results 🙂

Advertisements

Another little step…

Today has been the day. Today I went to work openly as a girl.

To my surprise, I was not nervous in the morning. Just excited. Expectant. But not nervous. I didn’t have the chills, my hands didn’t shake a bit. I had to think twice where the things were, because it is a new morning routine to do, but that’s it. I’ll get used to it soon.

I drove to the office. I’m getting better at driving, but still I need to get better. I didn’t have any problems getting to the office, though. I arrived, parked, and stayed in the car for some moments. I looked at myself, and gave me the heads up. Then, I opened the door and went into the office.

Some people were very kind. There were also some people I don’t usually talk to who looked at me with this what the hell? face, or who just didn’t look at me. That’s it, normality, no more, no less. Everybody treated me as they had always done.

In my department all the people were in the know, I expected no surprises and I had none. Everybody was kind, some people asked if they had to call me Marta now, and some people still addressed me like “hey, man, can you help me with this?”, but I didn’t care. I guess they’ll get used to addressing me as a girl.

I got my new badge. The picture doesn’t make me look good, but it’s okay. I know I look better than that. I’ve never looked good in ID cards’ pictures. Probably nobody does. But my badge now has my name written on it.

I felt happy all day long. In the morning I was like in a rush, excited about everything, and sitting down in front of the computer was so difficult. But then I became more relaxed, even too much. It felt like a heavy burden had been removed from me. I felt like going home with a big smile in my face, cuddling up in the sofa and having a nice and well deserved nap. Still I had a nice productive morning, it wasn’t difficult to think clearly about the work I had to do, and I didn’t have to make any efforts to be focused.

I talked more than usual with my colleagues. Some had questions, some were curious about some aspects. I got a lot of support today, indeed, not only by my coworkers, since I commented stuff from time to time with my girlfriend and some friends.

And I returned home. The drive was the worst part of the day, because I found no parking spaces and had to go in circles for some time, and I got a bit nervous and clumsy. I still have to get better at driving with my attention divided. But finally I could park, got home, and could finally relax.

And that’s it. Quite a pretty normal day for me. The first day of the rest of my life, because I guess I can say now that now I’m living full-time as myself. Some friends said that today is one day to celebrate and remember in the years to come. I like the idea.

For me the transition, (or at least its outer, public aspects) is something that’s moving on very smoothly. There was this day which I won’t forget, the day before I started taking hormones. We had this dinner in a restaurant. This day was for me like a secret celebration of the beginning of the process. Then it came the day when I was no longer noticed as something weird in the street, when I passed, and I began to feel safe outside.

Today it was just one step more. A big milestone, they say. But for me was smooth, seamless with the rest of my days. It’s all a part of a process, a little step in a big sequence of the smallest changes.

And a lot more steps are yet to come… 🙂

Full throttle…

I’ve got my car finally!

And I don’t know how to drive! 🙂

This happens usually when you’ve never done something for a long time. I got my license nine years ago, and I’ve never driven since. But it is funny, because a lot of stuff remains in the brain. So far, I’ve been able to drive to some friends’ places, to go to the mall and to drive to my office. I’m taking a vacation at the moment, so I didn’t enter, but I know how to go now.

I’m nervous, and I’m scared because everything is new. Sometimes I do something that I know it is wrong. Well, not wrong, but it’s not properly done. When you drive there are lots of inputs, and I’m learning to discern which ones are important and I should react to, and which ones are not.

It’s a lot like being a person. Filtering inputs, and keeping the ones that matter.

I’m quite feeling like I’m growing. I’m becoming more independent, more self-sufficient. I don’t need relying on other people for transport, but it also means being able to help others with that. And it gives me a bit of the preparedness I need for starting my life as a woman, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

It has been my brother who has brought me the car. He’s been here these days, helping with advice about how to drive. He’s been also my first relative to see me face to face as a woman. And the first encounter was nice. He just smiled and said, “You look very natural, huh?”.

We’ve talked. I know he’s got his own share of maturing, of growing up as a person in these last years. Now I know that he’s somehow evolved in sort of the same way I have. He’s freer now, less worried about structures, labels, about how people should be.

Sometimes he says to me that I would have been able to do my transition a lot earlier, because I wouldn’t have had to face any problems from my family. I know this now, and it makes me a bit sad for not having had the trust in my family to talk about this before. It’s nobody’s fault, I was just scared, and I had to test myself, to discover who I was, to have a taste of that standard life and discover it wasn’t for me.

Now I’m very scared because these next weeks are going to be difficult. But if everything goes well, the outcomes are going to be awesome, and I’m going to be a step closer to being complete.

Chess…

Last night was quite a restless night for me.

One of the big sources of anxiety for me these days is looking into the past. This feeling that I wasn’t playing my cards for my own sake, but for someone else. But I’m coming to terms with this, and I’m beginning to feel much better with myself.

There is another thing that causes me some discomfort, and this is the future. I’m starting to cope too with this one, and I’m beginning to feel better about it, but still I have some work to do here.

So, the future is unknown. We can lay some plans out, but we’ll never know how they will result. I’m still thinking, hoping, expecting, foreseeing possibilities as if I was playing chess, and I wanted to play all the game at once.

There are so many variables. My body, that’s still developing. My friends, who are the best and I want them to be with me for a long, long time. My girlfriend, who is making such a big effort adapting to this person who it turned out I was, so different to the person she first met. And me, my own mind, with a lot of different feelings and emotions and hopes and dreams.

And I want it all to happen now. I want all my worries, all my dreams, all my insecurities to resolve by themselves right now, because I’d like so much to see me so happy in the future.

But it needs time. And I have my turn to play, and the world has its turn then. And only this way is this game played. I can think ahead about everything that worries me. And I have this feeling that I’m in a rush, because of all that time that I had to spend preparing just the beginning of my own life, but that won’t make the world move faster.

Impatient, they already told me I was that.

Last night I thought I had time. Plenty of it, probably. It just took a couple of years and a lifetime of wishing and thinking and planning to start moving the wheels of this machine. And then it has just taken some months to change my life, and to prove to myself that I can do it right.

I hope I have still some years ahead, some decades probably. And that’s plenty of time to find how all these stories that are now beginning go on.

Lights out…

Today I’ve had an uneasy sleep.

In my mind, I was in the past, seven, eight years ago, when I lived in other city. I remembered how I went out, trying to find new places I could enjoy. There was this gothic club I only went to three times. It was the birthday of a friend’s coworker, and we went to that place. I was amazed when I first was there.

I returned there a couple of times only. I didn’t want to go alone. It felt so sad. And when I returned there, with friends, I felt so out of place, but so belonging there. My friends didn’t want to stay long, because they were looking for meat, and they wouldn’t stop complaining the whole night.

Whenever I could go to places I liked, my friends wouldn’t want to go there. They just wanted those stupid, mainstream, heteronormative places in which guys try desperately to hit on girls. A lot of nights I was the first one to go back home, and they all thought that something happened to me.

So it was not that I didn’t dare to do what I wanted. I tried, but it was so goddamn difficult. I tried to dress up and look nice, but I felt like I was wearing a costume always. Now it feels so different, because it’s just me, it’s my personality, not a costume anymore.

I tried to find people, but I didn’t know how to do it. I tried a couple of dating sites, but the experiences were horrible. I guess that even if I had found the right site, it would have been the same, because I was not me.

Every time I had a nice night, it was without my usual friends. I remember one gay pride night I went out with some gay friends of a friend. In the end, we were three people: This handsome, muscular gay guy, and a small, cute lesbian girl. And me and my lots of doubts, fears and unspoken thoughts. And we talked a lot. God, I guess they got bored of me at some point. I remember talking for hours about which actress was hotter with the lesbian girl, and it was so fun. It felt like connecting. And I remember I did verbalize then that I felt like I was trapped in a man’s body. I did express this in some other occasions, but I never thought I was sure of until now.

That night we talked about a crush I had on a girl those days. I had this fear, I’ve always had this fear of being in love with a girl who was a lesbian. It was not like I was a man and could think well, her loss or whatever men think. It was like I felt it could be great, but I had this prison, this restraint that would prevent me from being even spotted. I guess this was how Quasimodo felt.

However, even with the sad feelings, that night was great. But I still didn’t know if I belonged there.

I guess I’ve done all my life what actors do when they’re preparing a character. They try to get inside the character. They think the gestures, the clothing, the poses. They say, well, this guy wouldn’t say something like this. So this is what I did. I was taught that I was a heterosexual, cisgender guy. A pretty normal guy. The common guy next door. So I felt strange whenever I thought on doing something that didn’t go with that character. I felt like my character wouldn’t say, wouldn’t do something like that.

Every day I come to realise that I’ve done what I could do. Always. And it is a big relief. Still, it feels sad, but sadness is okay. I’ve always done my best, moving in the dark, without any lighthouses to help bring me home. I’ve always looked for what I liked, and I’ve had a glance at many other things. And I haven’t tried to change my character too much, because it was that, a character. I didn’t know how to do it, and I didn’t feel like it was going to be any better. If it works (more or less), don’t touch it, as they say.

And without any lights I’ve come home, and now I can do whatever I like. Now I’m not playing a character anymore.

So, these days…

These days I’m taking a little vacation. I’d rather believe it was a well deserved one.

I’m still in my now-becoming-usual-let’s-hope-it-doesn’t emotional turmoil. For the moment I’m going to swallow it a bit, so that maybe some issues get sorted themselves, and for the rest I’ll try with the help of my psychologist first, and then with the help of my friends. I don’t want to burn them with my stuff. Don’t get worried, though, I’m fine. It’s just the usual things that plague the mind of a 35-year-old adolescent.

So, tomorrow, if I get no further notice, my brother will be coming to pay us a little visit. He’s going to stay with us some days, and thus he’ll be the first one in my family to see me after five months of hormones. I was with them for New Year, but my therapy had not yet started, just the first laser session. I expect him to be surprised. I hope everything goes fine.

He’ll be also bringing us the car he said he’d lend us, since he’s not needing it at the moment. And having solved this, I’ll be able to go to work safely, in my car, as a woman.

I’ve already said in my company that I’m making this step already. Right now they’re making changes to the databases, so that they reflect my new name instead of the old one. A couple of pictures for the security pass and we’ll be done. I’m a bit afraid, because whereas my colleagues in my department already are in the know, the rest of the company are more or less unaware of how I am changing. I guess people are puzzled, I’ve changed a lot already, but nobody knows what it means. During my vacation I guess the news will spread a bit. However, I’ll tell them the day before, so they’re warned.

So, I’m going full time.

And to celebrate, and to give another step forward, this friday I’m getting my ears pierced so I can wear earrings. And we’re doing this at the place of a couple of friends, and we’re going to throw a little party for the occasion.

So, all in all, this is it so far. Still many things to fix, but I keep moving on…