Fluctuations…

Last monday I had to visit my endocrinologist.

It was just a routine visit. I’m supposed to be checking my hormone levels, and my overall health status because this thing I’m doing to my body is a bit heavy. In the end, everything was okay.

The doctor told me that, since my testosterone was quite low now, we would reduce the dosage of antiandrogens. These pills are meant to compete with testosterone for the testosterone receivers, and since they had already taken over my brain, now it was safe to take a bit less of them. It is the brain who tells the testicles to produce testosterone, but it needs testosterone to do so. So, it’s not going to do it.

But I was a bit freaked out.

I mean, right now my worst fear is that I can’t receive any more treatment and I lose all the things I’ve achieved in the last months. For the very first time in my life I begin to feel happy, and I don’t want to lose all of this.

So, I’ve been nervous all the week. I don’t know how to explain it. Stressed. Nervous. Irritable. More active, I guess. And I thought it was because of the new prescription. I’ve even thought that I have a little more hair in my upper lip.

However, yesterday I was at work, and I noticed that, unfocused and all, I still was way more focused, way more productive than I was before the hormones. I also talked to friends, to my partner, and their answer was more or less “welcome to hormonal changes!”.

Today I took the day off, because yesterday it was my partner’s birthday. I wanted to be with her in the morning. We went late to bed, and even though I was still nervous, she could calm me down a bit. And today I feel even better. I’m feeling more relaxed, and I’ve got this sensation that things will only go better in the future.

My hormones can say whatever they want, but I think I’m going to try not to pay too much attention. And so, I’m going to go for being happy.

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