I can’t be touched.

Whenever I’ve been with someone, I’ve built a wall around me.

I’ve never let anyone touch me. There was this guy who was my outside shell in between. I was protected inside. He, he was the outside façade that made me appear attractive. Because I thought others would find me disgusting. I always thought that I had to keep the pose and try to act as I was expected to.

So I’ve never been relaxed. I’ve developed this habit of being another person whenever I’m with someone. And for me, it’s just mechanic. I don’t have much experience, but all the experience I have has been in trying to please others, while trying to act my role.

I don’t know if I will ever be able to fix this. I don’t know how to fix this. Maybe I won’t be able to until I have my surgery done.

In the end I guess it’s just a matter of looking behind the façade…

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