Intelligent…

So it were not just my impressions. I’m more intelligent than I was before.

Well, not more intelligent. More focused, maybe. Even when I’m out of focus, because of the emotional whirlwind I’m in these days. 🙂

And sometimes I feel anxious, or stressed, or nervous, or guilty, or I don’t know what else. But still, I can keep working. It doesn’t block me. And then I talk to my colleagues and I’m in a good mood. They see me happier than before. So we say some stupid things and have some laughs. And then I can go on working, so that every day I can achieve some goal.

I feel more confident about myself.

And yet, I’m just discovering what it was under that huge mass of white noise in my brain. And I’m discovering that I’m emotional, and caring, and loving, and insecure, and funny. And now all of this is not blurried by the noise.

I’m discovering this person that I am, and I’m loving it.

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Tireless…

Do, or do not… There is no try. (Yoda. Jedi Master)

Plans. Goals. Illusion.

I guess I’m lacking a bit of this.

As I said yesterday, the weight of some mostly unhappy past is something that drags you down if you’re not careful. I am a bit scared of not being able to overcome this. I’m seeing now that I’ve got all this freedom and I don’t know what to do with it.

But if I don’t start moving, I’ll never know. Plus, I’ll have wasted my time worrying.

I’m not dead. If only, I refused to do some decisions, or decided in a different way to what I would have decided now. I had my reasons, good reasons to do so. So, even if I don’t like now those decisions, they’ve put me in this place. This is what really counts about my past. I’ve got the means to be me, I’ve got the support to be me and I’ve got the experience to be me.

The mere act of thinking this makes me feel so relieved… I’m going to try to cling to this feeling.

So, that’s it. It’s easy. Plans. Goals. Projects. Illusion. I’ve got a life to live.

Symmetry…

Sometimes I feel that the easy thing to do would be starting my life over again.

I know that my transition is going well, that I have no health problems and that almost everybody is fine with this. I know I’m having one of the easiest transitions I know of, and I’m lucky for that. And I also know that I should be grateful for this and stop complaining.

The thing is, sometimes it’s hard to feel so good even when the sun shines and everything is so fine. And I feel a bit guilty about this.

I think I can count a lot of friends now. I’ve met most of them in the last five years, and many come by the hand of my partner. And yet, we have already a background.

We’ve shared events, places, anecdotes already. They have formed an image of me, based in these years’ experiences. They have an idea of what I like, what I dislike and what is it to be expected from me.

And most of that stuff is plainly wrong, because I never talked about what I really liked, or disliked. I’ve missed things I would have loved on purpose, because I didn’t want to be there as a boy. The feeling of not being able to enjoy those things as a boy was too hard on me, so I preserved my feelings. I’ve deflected a lot.

And I retained the geeky, nerdy stuff and the absurd humour, because it was a safe ground.

So, in the end, I know a lot of people, and I know they have a friend on me. I feel that way, because I (more or less) know them, because they were not deflecting. So I can love them as they are, and I can think of ways of making them happy. Maybe I’m wrong, though.

But I have this strong feeling that they don’t know me at all.

A gender transition has many, many hard obstacles to overcome. The first and more obvious is the looks, the being able of going out as a girl, maybe pass (or not), and be able to be comfortable in public. Okay, check.

Then I feel there is all this stuff of being happy with one’s life. This part of trying to cope with your old crap, and not crumble. I’m at this point.

Because I can’t recall a happy memory from the past, one happy moment with my friends, without thinking that I wasn’t really happy then. I just looked happy. And maybe in that moment I was oblivious to my feelings, but they were still there. Each time somebody calls me by my old name, it hurts a bit, because it reminds me that maybe this person doesn’t know me that well.

And I have this bunch of memories of moments that I had to hid myself the hard way, to bit my lip and say “meh…” to something I really loved. Sometimes there were things I wanted to ask a thousand questions about, and I had to just look away. I wanted to enjoy those things, but not that way.

I’m so different from the person my friends know…

I have just a few friends who I’ve met in the last months. I feel different with them. They won’t say my old name, because I’ve always gone by my new name. We have few memories from the past yet, but all those moments don’t hurt when I remember them. I can talk with them about my past life, because they just accept that it was me, trapped in a male body. With them I’ve always been a woman. With them I’ve never hidden the things I like.

With all the rest, I’ve got this need to talk. To talk a lot, for hours, so that they can know who I am. And it feels selfish to me, because I’m asking for the same effort twice. But that person they know, it wasn’t me. Still, I can’t change that perception in their minds. It’s more like I was a man before, and now I’m a woman. So I’ll have to bit my lip for a long time yet, while they know better the boy I was than the woman I am.

I guess that, with time, I’ll start doing all this stuff I want. I’ll talk about the things that interest me. I’ll go to places I want to go, and listen to music I want to listen to. I’ll dress the way I like, and they’ll become used to be with this other person they don’t know yet. But it is like starting over. We just met, but I already know you.

I don’t want to leave, because I really feel that I’m loved now. But sometimes my past is so heavy that I’d wish to run away and start things anew.

Update: I have this fear of having screwed things too bad by denying myself for too long. Of having broken something that can’t be fixed. But those were my choices in life, then. And a lot of them sucked, but they made me who I am right now. And I can’t say I’m not proud of who I am. All I can regret is not having been happy during a lot of time. But I got pieces of happiness. And I met a lot of great people. And now I can get this happiness I was missing.

Let’s not screw that too.

Another step…

Last week one of my colleagues at work resigned.

We’re a close team. There is a core group of veterans who will hang out and have drinks and party. This guy was one of them, so we went out and had drinks and partied.

And I took my chance to finally present myself as a woman in front of my colleagues.

Yes, I know I’m already almost completely living as a woman. The reason why I’m not going to work yet as a woman is the place. The building I work in is in the middle of nothing, and I have to walk some fifteen minutes from the bus stop through a deserted place with weeds and reeds. Right now it is not too bad, because it doesn’t get dark yet, but I still feel I must protect myself in that place, and I feel it is more unlikely to have a bad encounter if I dress there as a man.

Soon I’ll have my car. In two weeks time, at most. And then I’ll start going to work as a woman, feeling confident that my colleagues have already met me, and it wasn’t an issue for them.

I can’t wait 🙂

Getting used to it…

These last weeks I’ve been out a lot.

A couple of months ago I read someone asking on Twitter how it felt to be in the first year of transition, and someone replied that it was like being a spy in nazi Germany.

It’s kind of true.

When you go out, especially when you’ve only been on hormones for a short time (or when you haven’t started yet), you feel like you don’t pass, like other people can spot you. Still, you go out, but you don’t want to be too adventurous, and you prefer going with friends, just in case.

Then, one day you notice that you pass. You notice that people don’t stare at you in an uncomfortable way. And you start feeling more comfortable being out. Things that you wouldn’t have done before, like going in a lift, become possible. You enter the underground with more confidence.

I’m currently in this phase. I now have almost no problem going out, because I feel safer than before. I still have got a bit of that I am a spy sensation, but it is quite less intense.

And when this happens, you begin to forget about being a transexual person, and just start being.

And it’s awesome.

Fluctuations…

Last monday I had to visit my endocrinologist.

It was just a routine visit. I’m supposed to be checking my hormone levels, and my overall health status because this thing I’m doing to my body is a bit heavy. In the end, everything was okay.

The doctor told me that, since my testosterone was quite low now, we would reduce the dosage of antiandrogens. These pills are meant to compete with testosterone for the testosterone receivers, and since they had already taken over my brain, now it was safe to take a bit less of them. It is the brain who tells the testicles to produce testosterone, but it needs testosterone to do so. So, it’s not going to do it.

But I was a bit freaked out.

I mean, right now my worst fear is that I can’t receive any more treatment and I lose all the things I’ve achieved in the last months. For the very first time in my life I begin to feel happy, and I don’t want to lose all of this.

So, I’ve been nervous all the week. I don’t know how to explain it. Stressed. Nervous. Irritable. More active, I guess. And I thought it was because of the new prescription. I’ve even thought that I have a little more hair in my upper lip.

However, yesterday I was at work, and I noticed that, unfocused and all, I still was way more focused, way more productive than I was before the hormones. I also talked to friends, to my partner, and their answer was more or less “welcome to hormonal changes!”.

Today I took the day off, because yesterday it was my partner’s birthday. I wanted to be with her in the morning. We went late to bed, and even though I was still nervous, she could calm me down a bit. And today I feel even better. I’m feeling more relaxed, and I’ve got this sensation that things will only go better in the future.

My hormones can say whatever they want, but I think I’m going to try not to pay too much attention. And so, I’m going to go for being happy.

Walls…

I can’t be touched.

Whenever I’ve been with someone, I’ve built a wall around me.

I’ve never let anyone touch me. There was this guy who was my outside shell in between. I was protected inside. He, he was the outside façade that made me appear attractive. Because I thought others would find me disgusting. I always thought that I had to keep the pose and try to act as I was expected to.

So I’ve never been relaxed. I’ve developed this habit of being another person whenever I’m with someone. And for me, it’s just mechanic. I don’t have much experience, but all the experience I have has been in trying to please others, while trying to act my role.

I don’t know if I will ever be able to fix this. I don’t know how to fix this. Maybe I won’t be able to until I have my surgery done.

In the end I guess it’s just a matter of looking behind the façade…