Just like you…

Sometimes I have this weird feeling.

Sometimes I have this feeling of being completely different to everyone else.

I have this need to talk, to connect with people. But my stories are so different… I just want to be the same as you are, but I’m not.

When I try to explain, some people think that this is something huge. For me, it wasn’t. It was the only exit. The only thing I did was being myself. I just was scared to do it.

I feel that, no matter what I do, I’ll be alone. A lot of people will say that what I did was brave. But it wasn’t. I am fighting to earn my right to be myself. You just had that granted. I just want to be like you, I just want to have what you have. No less, no more. And definitely no, it doesn’t taste better when you have to earn it.

I feel alien. I feel like a 35-year-old child. I’m so excited about my first time doing things I’ve already done in my life, when I do them as a woman. And at the same time I feel it is sad that this is the first time I’m able to do those things as myself.

I just want to be loved. I just want to be hugged. Because I have the feeling that all the love that was destined to me got stuck in my outer appearance. I know it’s not true, I know that it was meant for me. But I can’t help but feel that it wasn’t.

I am somehow still a virgin. I can’t enjoy sex with these genitals. And when I get surgery, I might lose all sensitivity. I might never experience sex as normal people do.

And my body is weird. Right now, I’m no man, I’m no woman. I’m something in between. The taste of progress is quite a bitter-sweet taste. I love the changes that already happen, but I fear just getting stuck at this point.

I don’t want to be weird. I don’t want to be strange. I just want to be like other people are.

I don’t want to ever be different again.

And yet, I’ll forever be.

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