It has happened to me a couple of times now.
I was talking to friends about this feeling I’m having these days. It’s like I feel I am now a different person from this guy I was. It’s like I am building an emotional wall between he and me.
When I think of him, I see how sad he was. I can feel his anxiety, his unability to be happy. I can feel how his mind was not able to focus, how many times he sighed of repressed pain, of the weight of life.
I see how brave he was. He always tried to get his place in life. He fought for a job, he always tried to do his best, and sometimes he did, and sometimes he just couldn’t.
I see what a nice person he was, and how he just wanted to be loved, and how many times he just failed at it.
When I look back, I sometimes can’t repress myself and cry. He wasn’t able to appreciate himself then. I’m just learning to do it. And I do appreciate him a lot. Now I know that.
I know I have to overcome this feeling.
It’s not so different. It’s just me. I did all those things. It’s funny that I can be proud of him, when I think of him as a different person. But it was me all the time. And somehow it feels weird. Because I am just me, small, unimportant, just one tiny person. But I fought, and I did those great things, and I was, I am this person.
And everything is so different, while everything remains the same. I have the same job he did. I think as he did. I find funny the same things he did. I eat as he did. I love the things he loved. I sing the songs he sang. But the burden is gone.
I don’t think I can ever overcome this feeling. I can’t just look back, and keep staring into it. It is too much for me. I don’t want to ever have to be that strong, never again. I wouldn’t be able to do it.
I know we’re the same person, and I know I have to fully acknowledge that I once carried that weight. But for the moment, I’ll just feel like he was an incredible guy.